Every one.

I know I've said this before. I am so in love with the kids at work. They are all amazing and fun and hilarious. One of them, my peek-a-boo buddy, just melts my heart every time. One day this week I left work at the same time as he and his dad, and watching them laugh and run around made me smile. I walked off feeling nostalgic for something that hasn't happened yet (is there a word for that?).
Someday, I will walk hand-in-hand with my toddler. We will walk slowly and laugh and talk about what we see. And I will relish every step.

Dye another day... (see what I did there?)

So, last week was spring break for me, in fact it was my last one. It was glorious. I went home, had thai food with my friend Carrita, went to the zoo with my brother and dad, and also met up with my friend Catia on Thursday for what we called our "Dyeing Day" so we could experiment with various dyes! Here's what came out of the leftover tie dye I had in the garage: I'm really really proud of the dress! I love it soo much and I think it'll work out really well for a wedding coming up. The white one I couldn't bear to dye. I'm going to change the buttons and perhaps wear it for MY GRADUATION in May! The orange shirt is a special order for my brother. I think it was the most successful tie dye of the night! Then I decided to dye this beautiful alpaca lace yarn using natural dye methods. First I mordanted it in an alum/cream of tartar mixture, then I tried to dye it using wild onions and dandelions. That didn't work. So then I tried spinach and dandelions. With modest results. So I tried to use black tea to do a sun dye. With more modest results. Finally I decided to hang the natural aspect of the dye day and used food coloring: a proven method.
I mixed up some greens and blues and made some beautiful color. Then put it in the microwave in 30 second bursts until the water was clear. This is how it ended up. I decided to call it "Mermaid Hair." I loved it in the skein but it's not very pretty in the ball or knit up. I think all knit objects will get some more dye experience with some more blues and a little bit more green.
Center pull skein!

I'm not at all pleased with the lime-jello-ness of this guy. I think I've found the perfect project for it, but I'll have to wait because the pattern is $15. It will have to wait at least until pay day.

Anyone been doing craftiness lately?

It doesn't.

I've been thinking a bit about unrequited love lately.
Growing up, I looked at figures like Eponine, Quasimodo, and Cyrano de Bergerac and thought how romantic, how beautiful their loves were. How amazing it was they devoted themselves and sacrificed in their love for those who did not love in return. And then it happened to me.
All throughout college I was in love with a man who I believed I would marry.
We supported each other through trials, and talked often. He was my friend but I felt a bond much closer to him. And for the first time in my life I fell in love with someone. The kind of love where you cannot sleep because you are so happy thinking about him.
I was so sure that one day he would look at me and see me, really see me. I began praying for him nightly. I wanted so badly to stand with him as he faced his difficulties.
He supported me as well. When something was wrong, he could tell, and he gently sat with me and talked with me so that I would feel better, or at least comforted.
And then I realized we wanted different things in our lives. I decided we would not be together. But I still loved him. No matter how hard I tried not to, I loved him. And I hated him for that.
I hadn't seen him in quite some time my last year in college and invited him to my graduation party. He said he would try but he could not come.
Then we did not speak for ages.
He married a woman who is perfect for him, who wants the same things, and who is just the sweetest woman ever.
They have a beautiful daughter together.

I saw him in January for the first time in over a year at a wedding of mutual friends. And all those old feelings were still there. And I couldn't do anything about it. And of course he didn't know, so he talked to me like the old friend I was and asked me about school. I asked about his family. And then he followed me to the reception. As soon as my friends got there, I stuck with them, though we both could see each other clearly from across the room. I told one of my friends and she checked on me the whole night, even stood next to me when he said goodbye.

And it just hurt. And I was angry. I had no need of these feelings for him; in fact they only caused me pain. Throughout the rest of the month and into February I could not stop thinking about him and then being angry at myself for thinking of him.

I am alright now. I don't think I should see him again.

And now I see that unrequited love is not beautiful. It isn't romantic. It's sad. And painful. And it doesn't stop.

les prometo!

Another new favorite:

I'm often surprised at the artists who sing songs I really love. This is Private Conversation by Lyle Lovett. I typically don't like country music, but I'll make an exception...this time.

Tomorrow begins my spring break, which up until last Christmas I thought would be spent in North Carolina doing pottery. I am, however, more than content to go home and see my family for the first time all semester. I am ready to rest. I am SO excited to see the new Jane Eyre movie with Catia and experiment with natural plant dyes (photos to come, les prometo!), and have a game night with her and Carrita, and I am beyond excited about going to the zoo with my dad.

Dad taught me how to use my first SLR camera at the zoo, and it was always our go-to. I remember the magical years we got the season passes and would go after school for a little bit on a whim. Now we'll both be going in with one camera and I'll bring along my sketchpad to continue with my creativity assignments. I'm so glad I didn't try to do one every week because this semester has been insane. No time or energy for anything!

I'm also applying for jobs right now, which scares the heck out of me. It's so funny that I'm afraid to apply but also afraid that I won't get a job. Kind of paints me into a corner, eh?

I've found this amazing web site called livemocha.com. It's for language learners to connect and help each other learn. I am using it to work on my Spanish skills but you can use it for just about any language in the world. Plus, you get to help people who are trying to learn your language. Amazing.

Alright. Off to bed. I have one day in my practicum for spring break (why did I do that??) and then I get to go home! It's an amazing feeling knowing I don't have to worry about any assignments due this week!

big dresses, big music

Today I took my comprehensive exams. I think I totally rocked them. First was child development, and they asked to pick an area of development and explain the interaction of nature and nurture on this area. I picked language development and wrote about 3-4 pages in less than an hour. Go me!
Second was program administration. This one was about the problem solving process which I had just reviewed with others out in the hall. Done and done.
I was SO scared about comps and the feeling of relief I had when I left was amazing. I had that level of wonderful feeling that is so big you feel like exploding or turning yourself inside out because there is just too much happy and relief inside you.
After running over to work to tell my boss how things went, I went to the park with my current reading obsession, Sense and Sensibility. I grew tired of the Nesbit novel (unhappily. I really wanted to love it).
I sat there watching the river, reading, watching people play fetch with their dog, reading some more, and then an old Hispanic man walked up and greeted me. We talked about how beautiful the park was, and he told me about how he goes there early in the morning when the mist is rising off the water and no one is there. He really seemed to love it when there aren't many people there.
He asked me if I was going to school at the university and I told him that I was graduating with my Master's degree in the spring. He did a double take because he thought I was a freshman, and did another when I told him I'm 24.
Then he asked if he could sit on the bench with me.

Now, let me just preface this with my intense level of discomfort. I don't talk to strangers. As a former cop's daughter, I'm on constant alert. So, I kept an exit strategy in mind the whole time and quickly assessed him to see if I could maybe disarm him in a fight.

I told him of course he could sit on the bench with me. He started asking me various questions which led to him telling long stories about his life.
"Do you dance?"
"Not really now, but I used to dance ballet."
"OH! Ballet! I used to dance folklorico [ballet folklorico is a native dance in Mexico. I loooove watching it]."
He pulled from his wallet pictures of himself as a child dressed in the traditional mariachi style clothing, quite young. I am still trying to figure out why he had pictures of himself as a child in his wallet.
He also used to teach various forms of ballroom dancing:
"The WALTZ! I love the waltz!" he put his hands out and swayed as if he was waltzing sitting there with me on the bench. "The music is so BIG with the big dresses and the movement...laa da dah laaa da dah..."
He said he will go to the bars in San Antonio (because they start dancing at noon) and dance from bar to bar "BAR HOPPING! I love to go BAR HOPPING! I dance eight hours and then go home by 9! And do you know why I can dance so much?"
"Why?"
"Because I don't DRINK!"
This caught my interest. I thought this whole time I was listening to a randy old barfly with a bit of character. No, this guy went to the bars just for the dancing.
Then he told me he used to be an alcoholic. He used to weigh 250 pounds (he was probably about 5'6" if I was generous), would drink a bottle of liquor every night, and took medicine for just about everything that could go wrong with someone. One night he landed in the hospital dying. He said the people in the hospital "pumped all the stuff out of him" and he lost 150 pounds in five days (I'm guessing liposuction but I don't know). The doctor told him that he thought all his problems came from the liquor, so he said not to take any of his medicine but also not to drink any alcohol. The man felt completely brand new after this.
"You know what? That stuff is expensive!" he started saving the money he would have spent on the nightly bottle of liquor and bought a truck. Then he saved more and bought a mustang. He drove back and forth between Austin and San Antonio dancing.
"When I go dancing with a beautiful young woman in my arms holding her close, I am just cursing myself! 'You used to be sloppy laid out on your front porch drunk and you could have been dancing with beautiful women your whole life! All that time -- wasted!'"
I was truly amazed. I don't know how much of his story was true, but I did love every bit of it. We departed, saying maybe we would see each other in the park again someday.
I think talking to a stranger alone in the park counts as being daring! Hooray for resolutions!

Spread the Word!

There is a word that, from its inception, has been used as an insult for an entire group of people.
It is a hurtful, derogatory, and discriminatory word.
And kindergarten children use it.
In fact, adults use it. I have heard people of every age and creed use it.
The word is "retarded."
I can hear you now:
"When I say it I don't mean actually retarded people!"
"I'm not insulting anyone! Do you see any retarded people here?"

The issue is, it's a matter of respect. Respect for a people group which has been discriminated against since the dawn of time. It's a matter of realizing that saying the r-word as an insult makes intellectually disabled people feel that they are worthless and stupid. It's a slap in the face to friends and family of these people.

As a reasonable person, how can you not justify being respectful of other fellow human beings?

March 2, 2011, is national Spread the Word to End the Word day. Please consider taking the pledge to eliminate the derogatory use of this word from your vocabulary and asking others to as well. I am respectfully asking you to Spread the Word to End the Word.
Spread the Word