How far I've come

I went to dinner and a movie with one of my friends from grad school tonight. It was so funny seeing her reactions when she found out that I have ADHD and that for several years I was treated for my anxiety and depression. She said that I seem so attentive and calm.
I don't know that many people will know what a huge thing that is for me. I guess a few of the people who read this who grew up with me will remember my constant breakdowns, my extreme social anxiety, and times when I was so depressed that my mother was secretly calling my room mate for an assessment.
Five years ago I stopped taking my anxiety/depression meds to see if I could handle myself. I didn't tell anyone, but after a couple months I asked various people if I had seemed upset or antsy, if they had noticed a difference in my behavior in the past months. No one had. Later I stopped taking my ADHD medicine to the same effect. I was finally med-free (other than allergy and asthma, and I'm okay with keeping those).
Even then I had a long way to go.
When I look at myself in elementary and middle school, high school, and even college, I realize how far I've come. Yes, I am very stressed a lot because I'm in grad school, but I'm not constantly worrying that if I leave Penny alone for an hour the house will burn down and she will be killed because I put her in the kennel (a very real fear of mine at home). Yes, I'm a little socially awkward but I'm gaining confidence and I've made friends all by myself!
I cannot believe that four years ago (really even two years ago) I was so afraid of doing things on my own that I was convinced I couldn't. That I would not be successful without someone's help or presence. I cannot believe that three years ago I was worrying people so much that they constantly urged me to go talk to the counselor on campus. I cannot believe that I was so convinced that no one would like me when I came to grad school that I prepared myself to have no friends. Ever. I cannot believe that two years ago I was so convinced that I would never find love that I [briefly] joined eHarmony. That fourteen years ago I was visiting a therapist every week.
Right now, I am so very content. So very, very content. And it's funny, this is the first time I've desired to be in a relationship for the express reason that I want to share all this happiness with someone else. Like it's so big and full that I can't keep it all to myself. Like I'm carrying a humongous bunch of balloons and need help holding it all.
Still, though, I am so fine with where I am right now. Ecstatic, actually.

Just good

Crazy dancing to Ingrid Michaelson in an empty house.

Penny confused and a little scared at my crazy dancing.
Baby smiles.
Pizza with pineapple.
Listening to the guys at the pizza place. I think they are all best friends.
Knowing that this week is doppelganger week and I don't look like a celebrity, I look like myself (though I do have a few "twins" running around there somewhere).
Penny bringing me shoes, a sweater, her brushes, and my vinegar spray bottle.
Penny sleeping under my bed.
Finding out because I see her tail sticking out from under the comforter.
Flux Capacitor and 1.21 Gigawatts.
Feeling love from no one in particular.
Cornstarch gak.
Getting a ride to my car.
Reading about all the programs people have chosen for our class this semester and knowing how perfect each one is for the person who chose it.
Good. Just Good.

New leash (actual new leash)

Penny demonstrated to me on Sunday that her current leash might as well be lined with razors and cut up my hands pulling me around the park. After searching the web, I have decided on an aspen pet mountain leash from Petco, and it should be arriving shortly. I could have bought one of Cesar Millan's but the rubber tubing on the handle is not my style. And I'm not a huge Cesar fan. Did you know he actually went through all the products in his line in petco and entered a customer review? Bad taste, bad taste. In addition, his leash was four feet long while the one I purchased was six feet (I like a long leash) and his rope leash was 5/16" wide and the one I bought was 1/2" wide. No contest, though I must admit the "stylish" colors the aspen pet leashes come in are far from that. I got the red and grey one because I don't like pink accessories and the blue one looked silly. Black was out of the question anyway because Penny's collar is brown.


So, as I said, on Sunday Penny and I went to the park. We were joined by Carriehammie and Miss Willow, along with our friend Catia, who has no blog (booo, hiss!). Penny pretty much ruled the whole time, as her leash hurt me to hold her back and she was too excited to heed any commands for long. I should have taken her for an exercise walk before hand. Bad me. We discovered that she does indeed love water when she tried to jump into a pond with me in tow. Much entertainment there and a wet dog to boot. I also discovered that hiking with a dog who pulls is rather adventuresome, especially when that includes climbing up or down something. No worries, we are working on the pulling and hopefully next time she will be a model dog. heh... We also participated in some berry wars, which involved picking many berries which were the consistency of pebbles and throwing them at each other (though I prefer espionage and would sneak them down unsuspecting shirts. It was glorious). Those berries STING though when they hit your face!
Afterwards, Carriehammie had to go and Miss Willow and I did not want to, so we all went to Catia's house and had tea and cheese in the courtyard. This was pleasant until it got too chilly to enjoy anything. Penny did NOT like being in the courtyard and proceeded to try to find a way of escape, though she was not successful.

After a very exciting day, Penny and I returned to my parents' house so I could work on homework. Then Penny threw up the entire contents of her stomach in my room. Loverly. She hasn't done it since so I think she was just overstimulated (or overfed...oops!).

Bye, Conan...

Staying up late tonight I happened to watch Conan O'Brien's last episode of The Tonight Show. I didn't really watch the show when he hosted simply because of...well, life getting in the way. I have to say, though, that I think he is one of the classiest guys on television. Can't really stand Leno, Letterman is a bitter old man, and Fallon, well, his funniest moments on TV ended with his constant breaks on SNL (which incidentally has fallen way down the tubes).

I don't want to say anything about the whole situation because I really don't know enough about it to warrant an argument (though really, with a golden boy like Conan you would think NBC would be spit-shining his shoes and bending over to be his ottoman in order to keep him), but I do want to comment on his closing remarks before a rousing number that included some very well-known people in the music and television industry. After thanking the audience for camping out in the rain to support him and thanking his fans for making a sad situation joyous and inspiring, he looked right into the camera and said this:

"I'm asking this particularly of young people who watch. Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record it is my least favorite quality, it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm... telling you, amazing things will happen."

Lesson learned. Looking forward to seeing your next steps, Mr. O'Brien!

Taking up the family curse

No, not the Jones Family Curse (in joke to my high school friends), the other side.
Everyone in my mom's family, including some of the men, for I believe at least two generations back, has hypothyroidism. I am the oldest in this generation so I always waited for the axe to drop. I was tested regularly for thyroid problems starting around age 13. It always came out normal.
Well, I have reason to believe this has changed.
Recently I searched for causes of double vision (an unexplained problem I've had for years). Thyroid disease came up on the list. Curious, I checked hypothyroidism and noticed that I had all of the symptoms except for weight gain. And then yesterday I had a strange episode where I felt like I was drugged. I was slurring words and could not keep my head up. I felt like I was going to fall asleep sitting in front of my computer. After talking to my mom about it today, she remembered having a similar episode when I was very young. Her thyroid was out of whack. Hmmm...
So anyway, it seems I will be visiting an endocrinologist soon. I will keep you posted!

*pant* *pant* *pant*

2:30 PM, talking to Miss Willow/:
"So, what are you going to do for the rest of the day?"
"Oh, I don't know, something involving Penny I guess and then I'll finish a chapter of homework"
HA.

Penny desperately needed a bath because she was itching all over and beginning to develop a film (never good). So, I took her upstairs to the master bathroom and lured her with her new favorite treats. She would NOT, however, get in the tub. This is how I learned I can lift 60 lbs. Next time, we are going to the self-serve dogwash because I will not have to walk hunched over from bending in half for so long.
It seems that water makes this Golden Retriever mix go crazy, because as soon as she got out of the tub she was running all over the place, rubbing herself on the carpet, stopping and doing some weird sideways lay thing when I told her to stop, and basically bouncing off the walls.
Fool that I was, I thought "Hey! Let's just burn that energy by going on a walk!"
I work hard with Penny on the leash. I do NOT want a pulling dog, so whenever she pulls I turn around and go the other way (and in our neighborhood, there's either going to home or going away from home, no real side streets, so it's hard to get anywhere this way) so fifteen minutes later we were still within about 50 yards of the house. Then whenever we passed by neighbors she wanted to greet them so she'd lunge out after them. I also found out that she likes to chase cars pulling trailers, but no other cars. I almost got torn in half by the leash when she tried to bolt out to see a pair of people walking, and when we got home she spent some quality drying time in the kennel.
Then she got into a fight with the other dog in the house over a toy (started by the other dog who was trying to guard one of Penny's toys) and it looked like they were going to go crazy. I'm going to have to figure out how to keep this other dog from stealing Penny's toys. She does it with ANYTHING Penny is interested in.
They also ran around the room a lot today and in and out of the backyard several times. I am worn out, and Penny is practically comatose under my desk. Brat dog. I hope we figure this obedience thing out QUICKLY.

hating pink and wearing purple

Some of you who are facebook members may have noticed that some females are posting colors as their statuses.
Most of you probably know by now that it was a kind of ridiculous ploy to spread breast cancer awareness. I say ridiculous because that's all it was, a color. No information. No "your wife should check herself once a month." No "here's where you can go to help fund research to find a cure for breast cancer."

I have decided that I kind of hate pink. It's everywhere. Those pink ribbons are on everything and fund research for a cancer that yes, many people die of, but is not the leading cause of cancer deaths. Check cervical or ovarian cancer in women and pancreatic cancer in men. Also, how far have we gotten in the latest technologies in funding this research?

I would like to remind you all that breast cancer is not the only illness in the world that needs research funding. Nor is AIDS, though finding a cure to HIV would help us with a lot of other autoimmune disorders.

What about Lupus? I see absolutely no advocacy for lupus research funding. No one wears purple ribbons. There's a lupus walk in the middle of the day (which stinks for the majority of lupus sufferers who are extremely sensitive to ultraviolet light), but most people don't even know what it is.

Breast cancer people, you relayers for life, you susan g comens, you pink ribbon wearers, you save the ta-tas girls, I support you. Go for it. But stop hogging the spotlight and let other illnesses get some support.

In which Penny finally eats and I remember I have a life outside being a pet parent

While at my first day at work, Penny chewed up two shoes (thankfully the same pair, unthankfully one of my room mates' pairs...). The crate came together just fine, and she was willing to go in. We'll see if she stays there all night. AND she didn't eat this morning after bribing her to eat last night with tuna fish water. I was a bad pet parent and forgot to mix her old food in with her new food. I tried that today and she ate!

Woo hoo!

We are going to the vet tomorrow anyway to have her checked out and meet the vet, etc. I think her back legs are stiff, but I could just be being nervous. Also, her old owner has her shot records and the person who took her in to find her a home took off her rabies tag and I can't find it! So basically I have an illegal dog (state of Texas ordinance requires proof of rabies vaccination). I hope the vet can request the records.

Tonight I travelled almost forty miles to meet with a storytelling guild. It was a nice small group, and I was the only one there under 40, but I shared a story and had a great time! They only meet once a month so I have to wait until February to go again! I am already figuring out the next story I will tell!

In which Penny and I bond, buy supplies, and contemplate obedience classes

So, last night I got to the house at 11:30 PM. Needless to say, no pupply product shopping happened! She did spend the entire night in my room on the blanket I bought last time I was in Mexico. I think this will be her bed and I'll find another one sometime for my own personal use.
So today I got up, fashioned a makeshift leash out of ribbons, and we set off to Petco (it's where the pets go). There, we got Penny a new collar, a new leash, a new license, a crate, food, a seatbelt harness, pick-up bags, a Kong ball, and some treats.

Here she is in the car and happy (I had just stopped her from trying to get my food and we were at a red light).

Then I figured it would be nice for her to stretch her legs, so we headed off to the dog park. Penny is not quite sure what to think about other dogs yet, especially ones that are really happy about showing off their frisbees and puppies who are almost her size. She stayed on her leash the entire time and we ended up leaving pretty quickly. I noticed, however, that she was VERY interested in this adorable dog's frisbee, so I thought it might be cool to see if she likes them.
I also realized we didn't have everything I wanted to get for her, so we went off to Petsmart. There we got a training treat and ball bag, some different treats (the first treats were freeze-dried chicken breast, and they feel like styrofoam and she lost interest really quickly), a frisbee, and a never-ending-treat-ball (which she LOVES!). I also talked to one of the dog trainers about classes, and I think we're going to do the beginner obedience class. Because I observed a lot of fear towards other dogs, I want her to socialize in a safe environment, and this program is perfect for that. I'm still working with her at home, though!
For crate training, I got a plastic crate (after a bit of research I decided it was best for us) that just BARELY fits in my trunk when it's disassembled. My next car will need to be bigger. Because I taught her to use the Mexico blanket for her bed, I put the bottom half out on its own with the blanket in it. I am periodically leading her onto it with a treat and rewarding her for being there. Her neverending treat ball is in the crate as well.
Well, a few hours later she hadn't gotten a treat in awhile and decided to get in there on her own! This of course was greeted with rousing choruses of "GOOD GIRL!" and a few treats (these treats by the way are tiny so I'm not going to make her humongous).

GOOD GIRL, Penny!

Preparation

I don't go back to my new home and Penny until Friday, so I have had a lot of time to think about how I am going to go about training this girl.

She already knows sit and shake, and is VERY good at taking cues from people. She looks where I point, instead of looking at my hand, which indicates to me that she can be trained to go where I point. If she had looked at my hand when I point at something (like my Dad's rat terrier mix) then I would probably focus more on target training (which I hope to do anyway because it's just fun). In target training, the dog is reinforced for touching the palm of the trainer's hand, which can be moved on to other tricks such as turning lights on and off, getting leashes, and cute parlor tricks. Penny could benefit from target training (and any dog who will sniff your hand when presented with it could learn quickly, as evidenced by our rat terrier mix who will now jump to shoulder height to touch the palm of my hand. I learned about target training from Underdog to Wonderdog, a show on Animal Planet) and it would be fun to teach her some silly tricks. That's not my first priority, though.
First, I plan to kennel train her. Especially since I will not always be able to work only four hours a day, she needs to have a den. I've researched into kennels and have decided on a plastic one other than a wire one. Plastic kennels are more den-like and I have heard some horror stories of puppies who strangle themselves while trying to get out of wire kennels. Considering how she acts now in her enclosure, I think a plastic kennel will be the best choice for her.
In addition to this, I hope to train her to heel very quickly. I'm hoping to keep up a steady habit of one walk a day in the mornings, followed by a morning meal for both of us. Cesar Milan (the dog whisperer) advocates for 30 minutes to 1 hour of walking in the morning followed by a bonding meal experience, and I like his logic behind it. This way, the dog earns his meal and eats with you in a calm submissive state (after a walk, theoretically, the dog's excess energy should be spent). I thought about getting a harness for her, but I think I will try walking her on a short leash with the collar high up on her neck like Cesar suggests first and see if I can control her that way. A harness redistributes pressure on a dog when walking, preventing choking or throat injury from a collar, but a well-trained dog will not pull enough on the leash to hurt himself.

Also, Penny is what I will call an enthusiastic door greeter. Victoria Stilwell (of It's Me or the Dog) is basically my role model for all these situations because she gives great one-word commands and shows everyone how to teach their dogs these commands through a reward system and making the dog think for himself. Dogs are more intelligent than we give them credit for, and Penny seems to know what's up and can read people pretty well. So, using simple one-word commands, I hope to make sure Penny is polite at the door when guests come. Perhaps I will send her to her bed (in the kennel with the door open) or onto the couch by the door where the other dog in the house sits for people to be let in. Good doggy manners are a top priority on my list, though she is a friendly dog and I don't foresee any aggressive manner problems, only "oh my gosh I'm so happy to see you!" manner problems. A wonderful command I learned from "It's Me or the Dog" is the "enough" command, which blocks off the stimulation for a dog to bark and conditions them to calm down when they hear the word. By steps, I was able to teach the dogs at my parents' house to respond simply to that name. They may be barking at the window, but as soon as they hear the command, their ears go down and they walk out of the room. The problem is it doesn't prevent them from starting to bark, which is why they tend to wake me up in the mornings.

One of Penny's little quirks is that she really likes ice. Not chasing it or playing with it, but actually chewing ice cubes. It might be fun to find a trick that has to do with that, but I don't know what it would be.

And then, of course, once winter is over I plan on taking her to the river to learn to swim and fetch in the water. I am very excited about having a ready source of water and a dog, especially one who looks to be some sort of lab mix (they love the water). Tubing the river is very popular there, so if I can get her a life vest and float her along with me! I know what you're thinking, a life vest, for a dog? But most places I've read recommend getting one to teach dogs to swim so they aren't as scared and don't have to work as hard at staying afloat. Swimming is not quite as instinctive in dogs as we would like to think. In addition, there are a few parts of the river where egress is not quite possible, so if she were to get tired to the point where she couldn't paddle while floating down the river, I would not be able to do much to help her. Hopefully we can be intentional about going down once a week or so (maybe more) during the summer and taking a nice cool-down walk or something until she's dry.

I'm sure all of this is mostly interesting only to me, but if any of you would like to learn more about Cesar or Victoria's methods, here are some beneficial websites:It's Me or the Dog, and Cesar's Way, and Victoria Stilwell.

*Edit* Since writing this post, I have come across some articles which seriously criticize Cesar Millan's work. The American Veterinary Society of Animal Behavior has released a statement citing the suspect science behind dominance-related behavior repression, and frankly from what I've seen in the five dogs I've trained in my family growing up, I have to agree. Dogs and wolves are completely different animals, and basing what we see on a wild animal who has not been related to the domesticated form for thousands of years is a dangerous thing. I feel it is important to note that understanding dog behavior from many sources, especially those who study animal behavior for a living, is the first step in correcting problems with dogs. Many things I read suggest that alpha rolls, a common treatment of Cesar's, is too aggressive a move to modify behavior. In fact, I have been more successful with positive conditioning than any fear tactics when training my dogs. Without anthropomorphizing dogs too much, think about being a small human living as the pet of a giant. Would you respond better to a kind master who rewards you for doing something good or one who dominates you through body posture and cowls you into obedience? And honestly, is it too hard to say a "good boy" every now and then?
So, everyone, let's keep our Pavlov in mind
and I will continue to post my progress with Penny as it comes along (hopefully with video if I can figure it out). Don't expect anything until Friday, when I finally go back to the house for the semester!

Hello, 2010

So many people are talking about how horrible 2009 was and how glad they are to see 2010. I don't really know that I've ever hated a year. I mean, truth be told, not a lot happened in 2009. Of course, other than moving away, renting my first apartment, starting grad school, and moving to a house, not a lot happened. And getting a dog. And changing my career goal. Twice. So yes, a lot happened in 2009. For the last half. First half was pretty average.
And now, 2010, here you are.A new year. A new decade. A new decade in which I will spend the remainder of my 20s and the earliest part of my 30s (scary). A decade in which, theoretically, I will find out what I'm going to start out doing for the rest of my life. Where I'm going to actually start doing what I think I want to do for the rest of my life. And not just careers. Just life in general. Which is pretty amazing. The teens have no idea what I was like as a teenager. They will never see me as a child or an adolescent. All of that is neatly encapsulated in the years 1986-2009.
Okay, 2010, you have quite a first impression to give. Let's be a bit exciting, okay?

Edit: Also, meet Penny! Having my very own dog whose care is my sole responsibility will be one of those adult experiences. I've unofficially raised and trained all our dogs and taken over vet costs of late, so it won't be too crazy.