Happy Daydreams that I Hope Come True

, originally uploaded by teenangst.

I had a daydream today of sometime in the future (hopefully somewhat near future) and the thought has made me happy all day.
I've just moved into my apartment, my FIRST EVER apartment, and I've set up everything. My apartment is cute and I'm excited, so what do I do but build a giant blanket fort right in the middle of the main room. And then I put white lights all over the room and put on a fun movie and a cute set of pajamas. I'm thinking pink stripes for some reason though I never wear pink striped pajamas. For the sake of the daydream I look more like, oh, I don't know... a brunette Leelee Sobieski or something.
I'm gleefully watching my movie from the confines of my first apartment tent when the doorbell rings. And here the daydream has two scenarios. The person behind the door is either a middleaged mother of three who lives a few doors down and is welcoming me to the neighborhood or a rather nice looking guy my age (who for some reason assumes I'm his age) and we end up getting married some years later. Whoever-it-is smiles at my pajamas and may make a "oh, did I wake you up?" comment, to which I reply with my usual perky "oh no of course not!" And then they look just past my shoulder and their smile becomes a little confused. I look back for a second and then at my guest, and, shrugging my shoulders and smiling sort of sheepishly but still happy and proud, I gleefully say "I made a tent!"

And of course I instantly become the favorite of every kid in the complex.

I'm definitely making a tent whenever I get in to whatever apartment I ever end up making it to. They're just awesome. And no one will be able to tell me to tear it down.

At Long Last! A Metal Project!

Some of you know that I recently completed wish granter training with my local chapter of the Make a Wish Foundation. This means I will be meeting with a wish kid, figuring out what his or her wish is, and then planning and coordinating it! I decided that since completing the training is called "earning your wand" that I would make a wand worthy of the occasion. I ordered some thin brass (because it was cheap...I'm not made of money, even working two part times around Christmas!), finally had an excuse to buy a jewelry saw, flux, and borrowed some tools and a ridiculously awesome soldering iron/torch from my friend Matthew.
My original plan was for it to look something like this:

But I don't know enough math/geometry wise about making it all fit, so I'm going to bell it out and solder the points together, so there's open airspace inside. Here are some work-in-progres photos.

I based the triangle on a repeated isoceles triangle having two 36 degree angles and one 72 degree angle (because all the angles within a triangle add up to 180 degrees, correct?). This proved difficult, and I'm not sure where I went wrong. Probably I misjudged the tracing. Anyway, it worked out pretty well.

Here are my pattern stars on top of my old play therapy textbook. Don't they look just so happy?

Then, I put two sheets of brass together with one of my pattern stars. Then I drew the detail I wanted on the pattern. Notice that other than tape I completely forgot adhesive. Yes, that will come back to bite me. I've used Matthew's snips to cut out the star (with some interesting and large scraps to play with!!) and have begun sawing out the scrollwork. The problem is that we didn't have a drill bit smaller than 1/18 so I have to get rid of the ugly holes. I also have had some creative jewelry saw positioning since the star itself is wider than the saw and I have to reach a few things. I've almost finished sawing out two of the tips and hope to finish the rest before Thursday so I can give Matthew back his tools when I see Kristen to bake cookies! More pictures to come!

Kate

A quick departure from the current montage for a Public Service Announcement

Hello, dear readers!
I have just started my volunteer work as a wish granter for the Make a Wish Foundation, which does its best to provide the dearest wish to children ages 2 1/2 to 18 who are diagnosed with life threatening conditions. It began in Phoenix, Arizona in the 1980s when a police department rallied together to provide a young boy with his wish to be a police officer for a day. Make a Wish is a not for profit organization and 80% of all its donations go to wish granting. The other 20% is divided up between publicity, fund raising, and staff salary. Because of the recession in the United States, the Make a Wish foundation has been forced to make the difficult choice to cut down on staff in order to continue granting wishes as donations become fewer and farther between.
I know that times are hard for many and this time of year people are especially feeling the strain as they tighten their purse strings and attempt to stretch even more expenses into an ever shrinking budget. However, if anyone at all would be willing to donate to your local chapter (Make a Wish has locations all over the world) or to the foundation in general, the Make a Wish foundation would be incredibly grateful.

Click here for their main site. There, you can find your local chapter and find out about pending wishes, review the office's wish list (most offices are in need of donated office supplies), and make a monetary donation. You can also read the stories of a few wishes that came true! In order to find your local chapter, click on the map in the upper right-hand corner. For my international readers, you can go directly to world wish to find your local chapter and find out how you can help.
Many of the pending wishes are in need of enhancements, which are usually donations in kind (one volunteer in my chapter is a make up artist and provides makeovers for a lot of wishes), so if you cannot give money, see if you can provide a service!

Share the Power of a Wish!

Kate

Current song running through my head 12/10

Jim Croce "I'll have to say I love you in a song"
I discovered Jim Croce when I was in ninth grade. I went through a "let's make mixed tapes" phase, and went through all my parents' old cds. (Incidentally, I fell in love with U2 and The Police because of this same event.) I came across the album "Photographs and Memories" by Jim Croce. I remembered hearing a tiny portion of "I'll have to say I love you" on one of those CD commercials and thought it sounded really beautiful (I was right), so I listened to it in full. And then I listened to it again. And again. And then I memorized it. And then, being a true angsty romantic teen, I sang it with as much feeling and tears as I could muster, completely missing the simplicity of the piece. I even imagined someone calling me up and singing it to me.
Seven years later, this song feels to me like the most simply honest love song out there. No attempts at flowery speech, no elaborate key changes, and no sweeping orchestral movements. Just beautiful pickwork (one of the surest ways to my heart is pickwork on the guitar. One of these days I plan on mastering it. First I have to focus on getting my guitar re calibrated so the strings will actually hit the frets!) and simple, honest lyrics. I truly am enamored by this song to this day.

The current song running through my head 12/9

"If you want to sing out, sing out" - Cat Stevens

Some friends of mine in my senior year of high school were obsessed with a band called Relient K. We all joined in the fun of making birthday packages for them, we listened to their cds in the car, and they read their bios and printed and distributed transcripts of their interviews. This is how we found out about Harold and Maude.
It seems that in one of the interviews the guys got tired of answering things and said that their favorite movies were Harold and Maude and The Graduate (and I think one other movie that had to do with an older woman seducing a young man). "Harold and Maude?" they said, and of course they rented it. And despite their being a bit horrified by the movie, they had us watch it at every social gathering.
Despite the stranger parts in this movie, and some of the awkward scenes between Harold and Maude, I think this is an important movie. It really is about finding your way and living life (not being obsessed with death). I love the last scene.

I was trying to decide how to say how I feel about this song. I think I will sing it as a lullabye to my kids one day. And I think that's all I need to say.

The current song going through my head 12/5

Originally I was going to post videos of myself singing the songs running through my head...but I thought about what last shred of privacy I had, and about how I don't really sing incredibly well right now (something about nasal problems I think). Anyway, I'd rather not reveal to all of cyberspace exactly why I realized I wasn't fit for broadway. ;)
I first saw Cabaret when I was sixteen. A very naive sixteen, though I thought myself to be more worldly than I was. Cabaret was famous, I was broadway crazy, and I loved Fosse and Joel Grey. I figured I could take it being a bit dark because hey, I LOVED Into the Woods!
I was so not ready for that movie! I don't know now if I'm ready to watch it again (though seriously, Mein Herr and Don't Tell Mama, in addition to my butchered rendering of Maybe This Time, are amazing songs).
Anyway, this song gets to me. I rediscovered it recently because I stayed up late watching "Connie and Carla," a movie about two dinner theatre hopefuls who witness a murder and then run off to LA and hide out pretending to be drag queens. Their audition piece is this song.



I'm pretty much addicted to this song right now. I've been singing it all week, in my room, in my car, I even hummed it to one of the kids who wouldn't sleep at work. I think it's because it's at the same time a self-dig and a profession of hope. I think it's very much an anthem of coming out of the dark, and it could really be used for all sorts of things, not just men. I'm fairly certain I'll be singing this on the way to my interview (if I get one!!!). It's like "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall, only a showtune.
Seriously, the dark musicals have some of the most amazing hopeful songs (perhaps because then it's more tragic when the people are broken).

On my choice of using the "Connie and Carla" version instead of straight from Cabaret: The Liza Minelli version is a concept musical, where it cuts in and out of her singing on stage and the real life situation it's about, so the song doesn't go through in its completion. Secondly, I think that the idea of harmonizing this song is beautiful! Thirdly: Nia Vardalos. Toni Collette. Dressed as drag queens and singing. Need I say more?

Why do I write a blog?

This is something I've asked myself lately. The other blogs I read are rather thematic, and mine is, just as my header says, full of "random things I say and do."
I know that I started this when people were starting to get interested in the things I knit and crochet (which, incidentally, is why I joined flickr), but because I can't seem to crochet without causing injury to myself (wrist problems. My most uncharitable brother says I'm weak) and because I realized I don't like to sell things, I'm not doing that. Then, when I started finishing pieces in my jewelry making class, I got excited and used this to share my art. But now, I'm not in a class and don't have the resources or the space to make anything (I keep telling myself things will be different when I get my own place, which will happen when I get my own job, which seems to be harder than it should have been).
So what is this for?
Unfortunately, I think I know the answer, it's just not something I'm very proud of.
I suffer from this delusion that I'm rather clever. That the things I say are interesting to others. That people WANT to hear my stories (which often seems to prove untrue...the groans of my classmates in school still sting). In high school I was voted "Most Outspoken," a title I (and my government teacher) lobbied for, though there really was no contest. I've always had a need for a venue to unleash these opinions upon, and what better than cyberspace, right? Because then I'll meet all these interesting people from all over the world who read my blog daily and soon I have a huge following of people who really, truly want to know what I have to say, right? About anything. Rant about the traffic this morning on the way to work and they'll comment about how traffic was equally horrendous on their way, too. Sigh over how difficult things are, and they'll tell you to cheer up, they're pulling for me. Yes, I think I write this blog so that I can get attention. How pathetic is that? I have my own little stage and I'm writing these ramblings that every now and then someone reads, and I really don't have much to say.

I didn't meet my goal...

But, I learned a lot about my book.
First of all, I figured out that this will be a bit more than 50,000 words if I keep at this pace. I also learned that certain characters have decided to become more important than I intended them to be.
I also learned that it is ridiculously hard to make a character move on when I'm so enraptured with where she is now.
I've never understood what authors meant when they talked about just absolutely having to write, about having a character assert himself or herself so firmly in the forefront of their mind and refusing to leave until they are put to paper, but I've really grown fond of my characters. This is such a rough sketch of my novel and what it will be, but I've gained some understanding about how I want the characters to be and feel, what their weaknesses will be, their flaws, etc. This truly is the most I've written of any one project. I'm almost to forty pages typed, double-spaced, in twelve-point Times New Roman (like a good college student...er, former college student). I would also be willing to say that it's the most I've written in a month for any collective projects, though I'm not sure because all my papers are currently running together in my mind.
Anyway, thank you for your encouragement. I will definitely keep writing (this lit a fire under me, so to speak, and I have that feeling again of having to get back to that really good book I'm reading...only I'm writing it!), and I may just keep a word count up there so I can both keep my likely disinterested readers up-to-date and have a visible way to keep myself accountable.

On another note, I've rekindled my love with Pixar lately. I got Wall-E as an early Christmas present, and I saw Bolt yesterda. Both are beautiful movies, and I think Wall-E is probably one of the more important movies they've made. Of course, being in the middle of a job search, I couldn't resist looking at their web site to see if they were hiring. Sadly, I don't qualify for any of the positions...though the thought of working for Pixar makes me want to go back for another four years and get a graphic arts degree. Fear not, reader, it is more than likely my fear of my lack of qualifications...not a lot of experience, odd degree with little training in something I can use without a few more years in school...etc. I may entertain for a while the idea of going back for an art degree (and someday it would be amazing to do that...absolutely amazing), but I think I'll stick with one career plan before I go for another. Of course, who knows what I'll say tomorrow or the next day.
Anyway, Pixar is amazing. I think a good guage of a company is whether when you see a mini-documentary showing a company's history and culture, you want to work there immediately (I did this with Jet Blue airways, too...but I think it would be more fun working at Pixar...it would be nice if they randomly decided to hire a "random, will do whatever" person, who worked as a gopher, receptionist, and occasionally came up with brilliant ideas for films. I could dream, right?).
I used to joke that my degree - major and minors - was the triad of not being able to find a job or get paid. I mean, Psychology, Art and Religion are not the big earning areas of study, though I love them so dearly. I can't picture majoring in any other areas (apart from English perhaps...which at least means I could be a teacher and would likely have a job...which is something I'm bad at and really don't like to do, oh! or folklore! Is there a degree in fairy tales?). I never realized how frightening this year off could be. I didn't know I would graduate into such a lousy job market, or that it would take me so long to find...anything. But it was nice to have this time to write, and it is nice to know that I have a place to go (I have no idea what I'd be doing if my parents had said "too bad, you're out of the house and good luck!" though really, who says that when their child is legitimately looking for a career?). More than nice really.
Methinks I've been rampling. I apologize. If you've made it this long, gentle reader, I don't deserve you!

So...I took a two day break.

Sue me. ;)
Wednesday I got a bit over 300 words done, and when other nights I've gotten about five times that completed, I tend to get a bit disheartened. Plus, I got asked to help out with teachers' kids while the teachers of the preschool at the church went to a certification class for two days...so I was with kids from 8-5 without a break today and yesterday...and though I somehow manage to stay awake ridiculously late (I definitely could have gone to sleep about, oh I don't know...five hours ago), I don't have energy to devote to finding good words among the cobwebs in the corners of my mind and string them together in a way that is becoming and entices the reader to pursue the next page. (ooo! That was good! Too bad it won't work in my novel!)
So, while I feel guilty about not reaching 10,000 words by Friday, I think my break was justified.
Today the kids were just as hilarious as yesterday, probably more so. One girl was "selling money for free" on the playground and gave me a wood chip that was worth "infinity and beyond dollars" so I would never have to worry about money. (is that telling of our economy or what, that a six year old is playing out money problems!) I of course recieved this gift with due reverence, holding it aloft so the sun could touch its woody goodness, my eyes wide and my mouth in an expression of awe and humility, and one foot ever so delicately pointed behind me in an almost ballet like manner. She was well pleased with my reaction of course. She also gave me a 'diamond carrot' which was 'the most precious thing in the world.'
Another boy and I were playing ice cream shop, switching back and forth at being the ice cream man (I was also the ice cream man, not the ice cream woman). Whenever I asked him for a type of ice cream, he would say (in his amazingly adorable 3 year old voice) "we don't have that. You have to go over there."
Once he, a little girl, and another little boy were all "selling food," so I got a hot dog from one, ice cream from another, and a cheeseburger with fries (that cost 'zero cents') and they tried to give me more. I said "oh no guys, all this food has made me so full there isn't any room in my tummy for any more food!" The little ice cream boy said "No it isn't! You need some cheetos!"
I pointed at him and said "You are going to be a salesman when you grow up."

Another little girl isn't quite two yet but she speaks really well. We were out on the playground and she bumped her head (ever so slightly and she was totally fine) and came over to me red-faced: "I bumped my head!"
I sat her in my lap, and just as we got situated she said "I feel better!"
Then of course I realized her diaper might be dirty.
"Are you dirty?"
"No" she replied
"May I check?"
"sure!" With that, she stepped down from my lap and bent over so I could check her diaper. Absolutely hilarious.

The people on the nursery staff (that's me and a few other women) were aided by some parent volunteers, and today I recieved the antithesis to my normal age question. Twice -- not once -- TWICE, a mom said to me "So, do you have a little boy or girl that goes to the preschool?" Each time I looked at the woman and smiled and said 'Thank you!' and of course set the record straight...no telling how old they thought I was.

Despite the long hours and many children with varying levels of independence and stubbornness (often inversely proportional -- that was interesting), I had such a fun time with these kiddos and sort of wish it was something that happened more often. Probably not at nine hours a day...but hey, I did about a month's worth of Saturday and Sunday hours in just two days (and on a month where I've needed to take off two weekends in a row!).

Still looking for a more permanent, less higgledy-piggledy scheduled job for weekdays (I suspect I'll stay at the nursery until I move too far away...I've made friends), and as of this week I have four new applications staring employers in the eye, so I just need to wait it out. I've lowered my standards to "Hey, it has benefits!" from "I really need to use my degree and this is paying way too little a month," so I've applied to a lot of receptionist and office assistant jobs and then I just applied to a Librarian Assistant position (I could do worse than spending my days around books, I really could!) that looks like it would be amazingly awesome. Let's hope and pray that no one finds out about the job so I can get it and be well on my way to a topknot, cardigan, and eyeglass chain (and I am absolutley serious, librarian chic will make its comeback).

Tomorrow I will work on the book after I get the dress altered, work, and engage in social activities (people who AREN'T doing NaNoWriMo and are not just there to work on their novel!). I'm aiming for at least 500 words.

Day 3: thinking

Day 3: thinking, originally uploaded by cranberriesandcheese.

I promise, I'm not slacking...okay, I am, but I think I'm doing okay schedule-wise.
I'm doing an update on flickr for every day of NaNoWriMo...I don't know why. Maybe it gets the creative juices flowing.
So...if you want to have a visual of my updates...check my flickr (posted on my links).

NaNoWriMo

So, I'm going to take a bit of a hiatus.
You see, I've been trying to write this certain book for about four years. And November is National Novel Writers Month. The challenge is to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November.
I have 20 pages typed so far, so I can't exactly be a real competitor. We're supposed to start from scratch, but seeing as I've already started...that can't happen for me. My goals are really just to get through a basic rough draft of the plot, though there will be plenty of fleshing out afterwards.
So, I may post a weekly word count, but I'm going to try to focus my writing on my novel, instead of on my blog. I doubt anyone will be too disappointed.
Anyway, good thoughts and encouragement are appreciated!
Until December, then!

Acting out of anger and its results

When I was very little, probably from ages 3-7, I used to roll down the car windows and yell at people.
"Put that child in a safety belt!"
"Stop smoking!"
And various other things.
I remember on a road trip into West Texas I made signs about how evil hunting was and put them up against the window. Dad made me take them down because he was afraid someone would shoot at us.
Of course, while it's somewhat funny to imagine an even smaller Kate pronouncing edicts on passers-by, I can imagine that my efforts did very little good.
You see, anger breeds anger. When someone yells at someone else, the response is usually to yell back (unless you're like me, in which case depending on the argument I more likely than not try to run away).
Look at a football game (and no, I can't believe I'm using a sports metaphor, either): when the offensive team is coming on strong, the defensive team steps it up to combat it. They don't step aside and say "Oh my, you're right, here, go for the touchdown. You've proven your point brilliantly."
This is why in a heated debate, when emotions are running high, no one seems to get anywhere. I'm sure you've seen two people yelling at each other, regardless of topic, and you knew that neither one would yield.

I've had people tell me that using tact or approaching an argument from a roundabout manner in order to make the other person see for themselves that they are wrong is dishonest, that it feels like lying. Those same people tend to try to be combative and attack an argument head-on. I think that if you really want to convince someone that they are in the wrong, you have to go for the weakest part of their argument, which often is not the forefront of the person's platform.

I regularly read a certain blog and am considering discontinuing my readership. The blog focuses on outing people that treat animals badly. A lot of good has come from it, but at the same time I believe much hurt comes from it. Readers go to the featured person and, using foul language (never a good way to propose change, by the way) attack the person instead of kindly saying what is being done wrong or offering a small suggestion, or even better referring these people to the local authorities.
Then they link back to the blog entry, so the person being exposed eventually comes onto the comments page and tries to defend himself/herself against sometimes as many as a hundred different readers. The trap is set. The person tries to put up a good fight, but is eviscerated by the other posters. In defeat, the person retreats (usually threatening a lawsuit, to replies of "I dare you to try" from the blog author) and absolutely NO GOOD is done. Nothing changes. None of these people say "You know what, now that I've seen my pictures on your blog, I think I really do need to make an effort to fix this. Will you help me? May I have suggestions?"
Furthermore, the posters on the comments attack each other. They do this after misreading a comment, after noticing spelling errors, etc. In a place where a common bond should be evident, anger and disdain prevail.

I know that in this day and age tact and diplomacy have virtually gone out the window. We need not worry about how the other person feels or really affecting change in any way because the other person is behind our computer screen and thus faceless. It frightens me to imagine people speaking to each other face-to-face in the same way they do online. What frightens me more is that my generation seems to shirk off grammar and spelling, along with general disregard for all others besides oneself. At least, these are the people choosing to come to their keyboard.

I have often been told to leave a situation which angers me, calm down, and then discuss it rationally with the offender. Have other parents decided to take a "shoot first, ask later" mentality in teaching their children?

Great comebacks...several days/weeks/months/years late

To the door-to-door salesman who treated me rudely:
"Sir, I am sure that, it being late in the day, you are tired and have had many doors slammed in your face. And that can't be good for morale, even in the kindest, most ridiculously happy person. But that does not give you permission to treat the daughter of the homeowner you so dearly wish to speak with with shortness and rude behavior. Perhaps you'll notice that being rude to customers does not quite help your cause."
He was equally rude to my dad...not the best field for him.

To the mechanic who thought the sound my car was making (and he couldn't reproduce) was the result of a "woman driver."
"Sir, perhaps you haven't noticed that out here in the parking lot you are outnumbered by women. Your manner sorely offends and if problems arise further in my car, you should bet that you will be held personally responsible."
Turned out that they had installed my alternator wrong...which led to a shredded belt throwing a hole in my radiator (the sound I heard was caused by the hole), which in turn overheated my engine and melted the head gasket. I had to get a whole new engine. I think at the time I took a step towards him sort of shaking my head and clenching my fists and my mom said something like "you don't want to say that to her." I'm sure my four foot eleven self was very intimidating...and his grin in response masked tremoring fear unlike any he'd ever experienced.

To the woman dropping of her son today that looked at me and said "shouldn't you be in school?"
"Yes, but once my son was born I had to drop out and help support my family."
I really really want to use that one...but I don't like lying. I told her I graduated college in August and her eyes got big and her jaw dropped "you look like you're 16!" I do plan, however, as soon as I am married and pregnant and showing, to go to a bridal shop and start trying on wedding gowns, though it's probably not that shocking in this day and age. I'm also tempted to order an alcoholic beverage at every restaurant that offers me a kids menu.

I'll post more as they come to me. Now you tell me: what are some great responses you wish you'd said, and only thought of them as you were leaving...or upon thinking over the conversation several years hence?

Apologies beforehand: I must rant.

Well, I bought a dress! Spending a little bit more than I would like, but the dress is quality and I will be able to use it again and again. Plus, since I did "Buy it Now," I get free shipping! (I lost the PERFECT dress on my birthday no less from Ebay because I was too reluctant to ask for a buy it now price...and someone outbid me. The dress is now happily living in France and I'm sure the owner is carrying on an Audrey Hepburn experience whenever she wears it.)

However, this has been a very harrowing experience, and I will tell you in third person present tense because it sounds best that way: Kate needs a special outfit for a wedding or pageant or an interview or some such event. Kate quickly browses a few stores online and finds a few potentially promising things but realizes the smallest size available is still two sizes too large. She finds something else that would be PERFECT but costs double her budget. She goes alone to a few local stores but doesn't see anything that would work. Frustrated, she returns home with a pessimistic tirade, her mother witnessing, about how there is nothing affordable for a petite woman. What, do people think that small, successful, and yes, thin people don't exist? Or are they simply so unimportant that they don't need clothes that fit? Her mother, at merely 2 1/2 inches taller than Kate, offers consoling words and promises to go with her to look for something that works. The two women spend the next two days calling resale shops, visiting malls, tearing apart clearance racks, and spending the majority of their money on consolation food (carbs and chocolate...and yet I still cannot gain!). Kate goes on a few frustrated tirades about how "Apparently petite women aren't allowed to go to formal events/enter the working world/compete in pageants." Kate also threatens to open her own store filled with clothes that only fit her, and declares yet again that she will learn to sew and never buy another item of clothing again. Kate and mom enter an upscale mall, and after a few moments of entering a store, looking at the clearance price of a dress, and heading right out of it, throws her hands up in despair and asks why they even came. She privately fantasizes about marrying a rich and vengeful man who proceeds to buy out every store in the mall and replace the stores with well-priced clothes that fit. She also fantasizes about taking a wrecking ball to the entire store, ripping up an item of clothing and throwing it against a wall, and of course making it so that the color she can't find just doesn't exist, and she has to find another, more popular color. Frustrated and their resources exhausted, the two women return home. Kate falls asleep in the car.

Someday, my friends, things will be different. Until then, I'll keep coming up with snarky comments, making my mom laugh while she reminds me to take a deep breath and remember we haven't checked every store, and that we will find something that works because we have to. I don't think my personality is ever more explosive than when I'm on a failing mission to find the right garment.

At least now, however, the search for this dress is over. It was strange though, because as soon as I ordered my dress, and the quest was ended, I was at a loss as to what to do next!

I need your help!

I'm in a friend's wedding and I cannot for the life of me find a proper dress. We have to wear chocolate brown and for some reason all the designers of the world conspired against me to ensure that I will not be able to find the darn thing. I recently ordered one on ebay and when it came in...let's just say I was nonplussed. While I may bring it around to some seamstresses and see if they can magically make it look good, I don't hold out a lot of hope for it.
I've searched every store I can think of, and have no more ideas. I'm looking for a cocktail dress with a free skirt (full circle would be nice, I just want movement), in a 0 or 2 petite (though I'm sure I could make misses sizes work). The kicker is that I can't spend more than about $70.
Can anyone suggest a store?
And if any of you know someone with magic sewing skills and a kind heart in the DFW area...could you point me in their direction?
I'm on the verge of trying to sew one for myself...though I've NEVER sewn a dress before and I have mixed results from my machine as I don't know what settings to use.
Any help, tips, or advice would be welcome.
Thanks!
Kate

Artful dancing

I love Emily Shock. She is an amazing choreographer and her dances inspire something within me. The above dance is called "the balcony" and from what she said, she choreographed this about relationships, any relationship. Any relationship, friendship, parent-child, sibling, is fraught with comings and goings, with nearness and distance. Absolutely amazing.



This was inspired by a conversation she had with a friend who felt she was in love, but didn't know with whom. Emily thought that through and choreographed this.



I finally found one that showed how she uses a percussive element. So often in dance we focus on landing lightly and not making a sound (except in tap and clogging) but there is something so beautiful about the way you can use your own body to add to the mood of a number.

There isn't a lot to say about these...I think the videos speak for themselves. I really want to take a class from her!

My eHarmony Success Story

I know, readers who look at this will do a double-take. "Whwhwhaaaaa? Kate posts all the time about how she isn't ready for this! What is she talking about?"
Fret not, dear readers, it's not that kind of success story.
I've kept this a virtual secret with only a few people knowing for a few months because, frankly, I was embarrassed that I fell victim to a moment of weakness. And I didn't want to appear desperate at 21.
But, I told my story after a recent shower to a few friends who had similar stories (or sympathetic feelings) and decided that sharing this would be empowering, educational, and probably tick off the high mucky mucks at eHarmony if it ever got back to them. So here it is, my eHarmony success story.
Spring Break, this year, my mother and I were watching television when an eHarmony commercial came on (you know, "we met each other online and we were perfect for each other, and I can't imagine life without him" along with "find your perfect match" all to the tune of "This will Be (an everlasting love)" by Natalie Cole). My mother, with truly my best wishes at heart, turned to me and said "why don't you join eHarmony, Kate?" I sat, pretty much shocked for awhile, an slowly turned my head to face her (upon which I believe she burst into laughter...sometimes my disapproving looks are so priceless I think she says things just to see them) and said "I'm 21! I have plenty of time! I don't even know where I'm going to BE in the next few months, how could I possibly go into a relationship knowing that I might move out of state? I'm not so desperate yet that I am going to give up on meeting the right guy naturally!"
Mom explained that I had just been talking about my relationship status so much and how I didn't like where I was in that, that this seemeds like a good option.
After a bit of silence, I said, "If Ben and Courtney get married before I do, I'll join eHarmony. But not before then!"
Ben is my little brother who turned 18 this summer and Courtney is his oh-so-cute girlfriend. They are planning on getting married* once they are both out of college, at which point I will be around 28 years old. Since I would like to have kids starting around age 29, I figure eHarmony will have to help me out a bit.
Back at the dorm, all of the RAs are talking in our RA meeting. And one of the amazing women I work with is talking about a new relationship, while another one has been dating a man who will be her fiance probably sometime next year, and another woman is waiting for her man to return from the war so she can marry him. Yet more friends are in meaningful relationships and either engaged or about to be engaged. Yes, there are three other RAs besides myself and one other RD in the room who aren't in relationships, but loneliness likes to compound itself until you are the only one in the room who knows how you feel. Add to that the fact that we had a question and answer game at the beginning of the meeting that on this particular night (not sure if it was the night it all went down, but for storytelling's sake, let's say it was, because it was a contributing factor) the game asked for reasons why it was good to be single. I couldn't think of one reason why it was good to be single in that moment. And I told them that. I told them that I was lonely, that I was NOT happy with my current non-relationship status, and that I could see, yeah, the independence was probably great, but I could not at that moment be happy at all with my present state.** My RD is a woman of great wisdom and while a lot of times she sticks with humor, this time she gave me some really good advice. Not for things to do, but just how I really can be happy and be single at the same time (apparently they weren't mutually exclusive!). Of course, me being in my extreme please pity me state, I didn't really believe it for awhile.

I believe later that night (or that weekend or something, maybe even later, though if it was after the meeting it was after 2AM on a school night because I had duty on meeting nights) I sat on my bed with my tiny coconut lamp lending its pathetic little 40 watt light on my head and pulled up eHarmony on my computer. I got halfway through the ridiculously long (albeit important I guess) quiz before I closed my laptop in frustration and probably started crying a little bit because it was late, and I think I actually said "what's the use!"

That, I thought, was the end of this eHarmony madness.

The next day/week or so, however, I got two emails from eHarmony, saying that they noticed how I hadn't finished my questionnaire, that eHarmony was the best way to meet your perfect match, and asked me in the subject line if I was "ready to find true happiness".
Guilt ridden, I dutifully returned to my profile and finished the quiz/deep delve into the depths of my soul in 27 pages. At this point I thought that I would just see what happened. My matches popped up immediately. Immediately I got five matches. FIVE MATCHES! I didn't know that there were that many compatible people in the area! A few of them were out immediately in my mind simply because of what they wrote in their profile (really bad grammar, really poor manner of describing themselves, or so cliche as to prove they had little imagination...I must be rather particular) but I let things be for the moment, because I didn't realize that these guys could see my profile as well!
In the next few days I was rejected as a match by someone I had already mentally rejected, but hey, rejection is rejection and it hurts, right? But THEN I got a few new matches AND I believe two or three of my matches "expressed an interest in opening communication with me." I looked them over (there was one guy about 45 minutes out of town that seemed for all I could tell like a good match for me) and tried to open communication with Mr. Rightand45minutesaway. That was when I was hit with, "You have to be a subscribing member to communicate with other matches." Desperate to respond to this guy but not sure how, I "put the relationship on hold" stating that I was spending some time away from the internet. You see, when you're not a subscribing member, you get to tell these people things by clicking a bubble, you can't type anything. Then I looked at the rates. The shorter your subscription period, the more expensive it is. And I again thought, I don't even know if I'm going to have a job this summer! So, I ended up "ending the relationship," clicking the bubble saying that I was not ready for a relationship at this time, and mentally wishing Mr. Rightand45minutesaway happy matches and the best of luck.

Then I talked to some friends. None of them said that I had done something wrong, none of them condemned me for wanting to be in a relationship, but all of them agreed that I might not be in the best place in my life to be in a relationship. Little Yentl put it very well, saying that I probably got curious, and now I was overwhelmed. She also warned me that a lot of these people start profiles like this because they are ready to get married NOW, and she didn't think I was there (I definitely WASN'T!).

So now the question was, how on earth do I close my account? I found the link to remove my account and started the process. And it is most definitely a process. I think I had to click "yes, I want to close my account with eHarmony" several times. I was routed to a page addressing me, with a three point bulletin in the middle stating that 1) 50% of all marriages end in divorce, 2) it is harder than ever in this day and age to find someone that fits you perfectly, and 3) eHarmony offers the best way to find that person. At which point I realized that these people were trying to sell something to me, not to help me, all along. I skimmed through the rest of the lengthy letter stating how difficult it would be for me to find happiness on my own, and clicked on the button that said, again, "yes, I would like to close my account with eHarmony." And I took a deep breath and sent a facebook message to my three friends that knew.

Now, of course, I know that this was the right thing for me. I spent most of my summer going to class and not doing really anything else, and now that I've graduated I'm looking for a nine to five job and not really doing anything else (other than being sick). I don't want a long distance relationship to start out with him coming up to visit me at my family's house and see that I really am pretty boring when my days aren't structured.
I turned 22 last Friday. I have yet to hear back from the one job in the area that I really want, and I have (as far as I know) absolutely no dating prospects, and I'm happy with that. I'm happy with the fact that I can have the comforter that I want, that I don't have to worry about traveling or about when I do end up moving out of state for grad school (please oh please oh please let me in!). Now my RD's advice makes sense. Now I know I can be happy at this state, that it's HEALTHY to have a life of my own. I also know that I am nowhere near ready to get married, and I admire my friends who are. I keep thinking that if I marry someone after I turn 25 (which is only three years away...who knows where I'll be then?) my probability of getting a divorce goes down (statistically it's a benefactor...who's to say though, really?) and I'll hopefully be more financially stable. (Working five hours a week at the church nursery really isn't very lucrative!)

That is my eHarmony success story: I discovered that I don't need it. Cheers to all of you who use it and find happiness, but at this place in time I really don't think I'm right for the whole thing, or that it's right for me.

Have a good Friday!
Kate

*Before all the snarky comments about young love and puppy love and "oh don't we all think this will happen", please note that a dear friend of mine is about to get married to her high school sweetheart whom she has dated exclusively from the age of 15. I know the odds are against them but if they work well with each other then so be it. I always say that I won't say anything to the pro or con of this whole thing until we get there, because I wouldn't mind if Courtney ended up being my sister in law, and I also know that plans and people change. So let's let the young couple be optimistic and not rain on their parade, seeing as it is six long years in the making.
**Which is a clue, people, that you're not ready for a relationship...because you'll likely jump into the wrong one because it was the first one to come along.

Sick Food

I picked up a virus this weekend, which stinks on top of just getting over the last part (or so I hope) of the surgery recovery process. Having been basically under the weather for the whole month of September (meat, any kind of meat, has given me a stomach ache worthy of making an ultra carnivore decide to turn vegan), I've rediscovered my favorite sick foods.
I used to always have chicken broth or chicken noodle soup, but for some reason it has not seemed at all appetizing for months. Of course my mother used to make cinnamon toast for me, but toast didn't seem like a good choice when my upper palate was so sore.
So, I thought back to last Fall/Spring working in the dorm. Our boss would make us tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches-- made with shredded mexican blend cheese from Kraft I believe. It was all I requested this whole time. I have eaten tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches almost exclusively (without a doubt not the best thing to put into your body, but not the worst and better to eat a little unhealthily than not at all). When we ran out of mexican cheese, I scoured the fridge for any other kind of cheese (other than that horrible processed "cheese food" stuff) and found slices of swiss cheese. Swiss cheese on a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup is absolutely amazing.
The only other thing that hasn't given me any trouble is honey nut cheerios! I am allergic to milk and soy and have been using rice milk for about a year or so, but even that has been bothering the old tummy for awhile. I'm hoping all these symptoms are because of some post nasal drip problems I've been having. If not I'm going to have to journal exactly what happens after everything I eat! But I digress...
So, tell me what you always eat without fail when you're sick. Do you have one staple or is it something different depending on the illness?
*Edit* Since posting this I have read that red meat may be a contributor to IBS, which basically everyone in my family has. So, I have decided to forego the red meat for awhile, or at least scale down on it. I eat more chicken than any other meat but I might try to eat more fish than poultry or red meat and see if that treats me differently, provided of course I can stand fish that isn't deep-fried other than canned tuna...maybe I'll stick to beans for protein. For a list of a few (not all) possible IBS triggers, go to http://www.helpforibs.com/diet/trigger2.asp .

Up and arms, the fundamentalists are coming!

If you look in your local Lifeway Christian store for the latest issue of Gospel Today, you won't see it on the shelves.
The Southern Baptist Convention, an ultra-conservative organization that oversees the operation of Southern Baptist Churches, found the cover of this magazine offensive, and while it did not remove the magazine from Lifeway, a store owned and content-controlled by the organization, you will have to ask the person behind the counter for the issue, just like you have to apparently for pornography magazines.
The issue in question? The cover of this issue features five female pastors, and the magazine contains an article about women in ministry. Not an article campaigning for the cause of women in ministry, just an article telling the story of these women.
The SBC, after the fundamentalist takeover in the late 70s to late 80s, put together a new statement of faith, the Baptist Faith and Message. This document promotes, among other things, the role of the man as the head of not only the household but of the church. It does not believe women can teach men at all, much less preach to a congregation. In many cases this carries over to Sunday school classes, having a woman teach the girls (regardless of subject matter) and a man teach the boys. Southwestern Theological Seminary does not allow women to study certain subjects, and the current president of the seminary is quoted as saying that the new home-ec degree at STS is a truly biblical degree for women to pursue.
I could go on, and perhaps someday I will, but the point is this: Jesus liberated women. As Pastor Tamara Benett said, "Sometimes we forget that ministry is God's business. It's not a man's business. God gives gifts to whomever he sees fit."
So, if there is a Lifeway Christian Store in your area, go in and ask for the magazine. Then tell everyone you see about what the SBC doesn't want published: women obeying their call to ministry.
To read the original article, go to http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,425565,00.html

*Edit* I took off the part about Paige Patterson's wife because I could not locate the article that details all of the things Dorothy Patterson must do, such as sit behind him, sit lower than him, and walk behind him. It is somewhere in the possession of my former Baptist History professor. It has, however, been told to me on separate occasions by three people who either study baptist history, teach baptist history, or were at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary during that time. It was meant as a truthful statement and not a "hyperbolic expression." Dorothy Patterson's website and all the bios I have found of her describe her as first and foremost a wife and mother. This does not seem bad until you realize that her husband, Paige Patterson, does not describe himself as first and foremost a husband and father. Dorothy Patterson is the only listed female faculty member currently on staff at SWBTS and teaches the "home ec" curriculum, which includes classes like "clothing construction" but does not include classes on Marriage and Family or on finances. Dorothy Patterson's web site is replete with book recommendations about a woman's place in the family, the reclamation of the biblical family, and how to please your husband. I still wonder how the Pattersons and others like them overlook Deborah of the old testament, Lydia, who ran a church in the new testament, and that some of Paul's letters are addressed to a woman.
Here is Dorothy Patterson's website: http://www.dorothypatterson.info/

To Do List

Someone posted their list on Facebook and got me thinking. I made one of these in my junior year in high school and I don't know where it is. Besides that, a lot has changed since I wrote that one. So here is my list of things I want to do in life (saying "before I die" sounds a bit too ominous, don't you think?), subject to change, be added to or subtracted from.
1. Live abroad
2. Finish my education: Get my Master's Degree in Art Therapy, various other graduate certificates, and perhaps a BFA in Studio Art along with my current degree.
3. Finish my book.
4. Have a wonderful wedding and even more awesome marriage.
5. Raise my children to be responsible, considerate, independent thinkers who think about wrong vs right as opposed to obey vs disobey.
6. Get back into dancing
7. Have an art studio
8. Learn to ride horseback (more than just the basics)
9. Own an Irish Wolfhound
10. Go to storytelling conferences and festivals
11. Gain fluency in Spanish and profficiency in French
12. Visit the Black Forests
13. Visit the former Kingdom of Bohemia
14. Be an example
15. Meet Carol Burnett
16. Become more involved in legitimate community theatre
17. Develop a healthy sleeping pattern
18. Join a rock climbing gym
19. Develop my eye
20. Live up to my full potential in at least one thing
21. Do one trip first class and five star all the way
22. Cause change
23. Have a completely open, honest, fearless, selfless, communicative relationship with my husband
24. Try Turkish Delight
25. Become truly proficcient at sewing

The beginnings of light at the end of the tunnel

My university FINALLY got my transcript in today. Which means hopefully my diploma will be with me within a week. Which also means I can apply for that job, and that I can stop feeling useless and be proactive about getting out there. I'm so ready for this!

On Nothing Forthcoming and Feeling Useless

I am at a very strange place in my life. I don't have a job, I don't have classes to go to, and I don't have anything to do during the day. Besides that, I don't have any energy to do anything during the day.
I've never, ever been in a spot like this. The closest has been during the summers. But I'm not even waiting for school to start. I am waiting for my diploma to come in the mail so I can apply to the current dream job which will have the dual role of filling up space in my days and helping me earn money for grad school. That's right, folks, I still have not recieved my diploma. The community college where I took my last two classes apparently mailed the final transcript on August 19, and my university, or at least the registrar in charge of graduation, never recieved it.
On Monday I went in to the community college on my way to my post op appointment to see about getting the transcript overnighted. I had called the week before and was told to fax one set of information to business services and one set to the registrar's office, but I lost the fax numbers and the web site doesn't have detailed contact information, just a general number and then we get routed all over the place. So when I landed at the business services office, still not feeling well and a bit out of breath, the woman didn't have a clue what I was talking about. She talked to the head registrar and told me a whole other set of directions that I had no time for because I was already late. I told her what I was told to do and she remained firm in telling me that I needed to go to another area in the building. Because I wasn't feeling well, I got frustrated and started crying. I told her, red faced, that I didn't have time because I had an appointment, she said go upstairs to such-and-such department, and I ended up saying nevermind, just forget it and walking off before the tears started spilling.
So there I was, walking through the rest of the school during peak class hours, my face all red and scrunched up, and I was so embarrassed that I got angry and started crying for real. I realize the reaction is too much, but I was again not my normal self. Not my proudest moment. Anyway, the point of all of this is to say that, rather than deal with that woman again, I decided to just normally request the transcript and accept the fact that it will take even longer to get my diploma. I'm just grateful that the registrar in charge of graduation is an understanding woman.
I feel kind of aimless right now...I sleep, I eat, I'm on the computer all day, and I don't have energy to do really anything else. No worldchanging going on here. I guess I'm just frustrated at my apparent lack of goals right now, because there isn't anything to reach for at this immediate place and time. Limbo is the worst of feelings.
In a way I'm glad I don't have any energy because if I did I'd feel even worse about the fact that there's nothing to do but wait. I don't have anyone to take care of, I don't have groceries to buy, I don't really have to do anything but those things essential to living, and I am bored out of my mind.

Apparently it wasn't finished with me yet

Well, I went to my post-op appointment on Monday. The doctor used a scope and a vacuum to take out most of the packing tissue in my nose. Now I can breathe but I can only smell the scent of dust. I KNOW there are other things to smell. The doctor has me flushing out my sinuses with a mixture of vinegar, baking soda, sea salt, and water. I did the first one a few hours ago and I'm hoping I did it incorrectly...otherwise I'm in for ridiculous pain twice a day for two weeks. Loverly.

I could describe in gory detail how fascinating this packing tissue is and what it looks like (I'm supposed to sneeze the rest of it out during the rest of these two weeks) but I don't think anyone would read my blog after that. Using the phrase "sneeze it out" probably verges on too far for some of my readers. I apologize.

I would like to share with you, my dear readers, an image that was my normality for the better part of a week.

Yes, that's me, gauze tucked under my nose and held there with a rubber band and gauze tied around my head (at first it was taped to my cheeks but that caused too many problems), a gel-filled sinus ice pack, and a headband to keep my hair out of the way. I'm not wearing the gauze anymore but I thought it was too hilarious not to post.

Note about the background: please excuse the pastel early nineties wallpaper and the paintings on the wall. I chose the wallpaper (or rather my mom chose it) when I was probably six years old, and the painting was a joke two of my friends made for me when I turned sixteen. You can also see Sylvia, my new camera!

And now to expound upon the glories of someone I've spent a lot of time with this week:

Target ClearRx
I hope all of you have the opportunity to receive your prescription drugs from Target pharmacies. They have put a lot of thought into how they deal with pills (and liquid medicine), as they have put a lot of thought in everything, in my opinion.
I have been taking prescription medication for one thing or another all my life. I used to take ritalin for my ADHD (and then switched to a less dangerous drug, and then stopped taking it altogether when that med ended up having negative side effects). So I know how confusing having multiple medications can be.
Target has completely re-thought prescription medications for the better. They use close to the same size bottle for every medication (I think I had one pill that was extra large and so the bottle followed suit) and each bottle has the flat face design. This not only helps with keeping all the information in one place, but it helps with storage too (no chasing after bottles rolling all over the floor). I also think, though I don't know if this is true, that this design uses less plastic than the traditional round bottle design. The top is flat and displays the name of the medication in bold print, so I can read at a glance in the dark what medication I need.
Then, the lid of the bottle has a rubber ring whose color is customized for every person in the family. This helps a lot since members of my family and I sometimes take the same medication.
And finally, my favorite feature: there is an indented slot on the side of the bottle that holds a little card labeled, "patient information." This has a description of the pill (color, shape, size, and labeling), an outline of possible side effects, what to do if a dose is missed, the prescription number, common uses for the medication, and the pharmacy's phone and address.
I know it sounds silly to sing praises of the thought put into a prescription bottle, but it has helped me so much this week, and I really appreciate the designers.

I made it back alive!

Hey everyone, I'm back from surgery.
The actual surgery was scheduled for 8:40, which made the 5:30 check-in time rather ridiculous, but we got to check into a private day surgery room and I watched some of Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood and then like two and a half episodes of Monk.
I barely remember entering the operating room and I don't even remember them having me count down backwards from 100 as they always do. I woke up in the recovery room in a ton of pain, partially because of the ventilator tube (I'd never had one of those and thought they took it out before i woke up the memory of it on the muscles hurt), but a good portion because of the surgery itself. They asked me to rate my pain on a 1-10 scale and I said an 8, and they gave me some morphine. Then it got worse and I just kept saying "ten, ten, ten!" and spelling out "mom" in finger spelling, which of course they didn't understand. I finally said "mom" and said it repeatedly but they told me each time that my mother was not allowed back there. I was in the recovery room for more than an hour, and then they brought me back to my room. Note to self: Morphine does nothing for my pain, so a morphine addiction is pointless. Huzzah!
They made me eat something and drink some water to make sure i could hold it down before giving me my pain meds (vicodin...now THAT works). Apparently the surgery itself took longer than expected because he had trouble reaching one of my sinus cavities. That's how small the openings were!
So now I'm at home, waiting for Dad to come back with my meds and a milkshake. I have a post-op appointment next week to see how it went. The doctor said it would be up to a month before all the swelling completely goes down.
I'm just so grateful that I don't have a job or live on my own right now. This way I get to take as much time as I need to rest, which I intend to do.

Hey if you know me and want to call me that's fine, I might sound a bit out of it and I might not talk for long. I would love to hear from you though!
Kate

This week so far

** Edit**
My appointment is scheduled for 5:30 AM (central time) Tuesday. I can't remember how long the procedure should last but I'm fairly certain I'll be awake by 8. I don't know if I'll feel well enough to post an update tomorrow, but if you don't hear from me tomorrow you should hear from me Wednesday!
**Edit**
I had my pre-op appointment for my sinus surgery today. A doctor stuck a camera up my nose, and I felt it regardless of the anesthetic spray. It was without a doubt the strangest experience I ever had. On the upside, I got to see my vocal chords and my epiglottis along with a lot of other interesting things in my head, including the skin that lines the skull on the other side of the inside of my nose, at which point the ENT said "and on the other side of that is your brain", and I got a little freaked out. Something got knocked around in the process and I am VERY sore in the nasal area, and I can't seem to stop sneezing!
My actual surgery is on Tuesday, though I don't know what time yet (I will by the time most of you read this post I guess). The doctor said it will get a lot worse before it gets better, so I'll be on pain pills and antibiotics, and I have to pack ice on my cheeks after the surgery. I will definitely be out of commission this week (I take a while to heal), so it is a very good thing that I don't have a job right now. One of those would be very nice soon though, I would very much like to generate income and have insurance.

Prayers will be appreciated.

On a side note, I have a funny work story. I'm working at the church nursery this week while they do pre school teacher inservice. I have eight three year olds, and I think I'm in love with them. One little boy in particular is just hilarious. He has somehow developed a New York accent though we live in Texas. We were playing with a toy with a pull-string voice box, and the voice box didn't work. I told him that maybe the doll was "tired of talking" and he liked the phrase so much that he repeated it over and over throughout the day. "Toired of toawking" chorused from his no-nonsense mouth repeatedly throughout the day and set me to giggles. He also told me after we crashed the toy cars we were playing with that that was why "We don't hit or pinch the cars." He said something else about that was why we wear helmets when we ride our bikes, but I can't remember. Tomorrow (Friday) is my last day with these kids and I'm going to miss them! I wasn't too happy that I got threes at the beginning of the week, but this summer has really taught me that all ages of children have very delightful qualities if you get to know them. I'm slowly eking my way out of ageism. Next I may tackle pre-adolescence. Shudder. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Dance, where has the artistry gone?

Recently I became slightly obsessed with Tracy Chapman's songs, "Behind the Wall" and "Fast Car". Being the former dancer I am, I decided to look for videos of dances done to these songs on YouTube.
Granted, these dances are mostly from studios and not professional companies, and these kids performing these dances can barely grasp the themes in these songs. However, I think that the point of dance (especially LYRICAL for goodness' sake!) is being missed, and that it has been relegated to a mere athletic exercise.
I don't know how to put Youtube videos straight into my blog, so you'll have to click on them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTszeTw3x10
This performer looks like she can't be more than about thirteen. Already we get into an emotional maturity issue. Here we see an overly-literal interpretation of this song, as the performer slams herself against a "wall", using the prop a total of about seven seconds throughout the entire routine. This dance is what I like to call "circused up", with as many technical elements and as few artistic elements as possible. This is rather common in dance competitions that I've seen. From the extremely erect way this dancer holds herself, it's clear she doesn't get the raw nature of this dance. A song as emotional as this calls for more "getting into the floor". This might be more the choreographer's fault.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU_tCnT8aQY&feature=related
Okay, so she's not competing, she's obviously practicing in the studio. This routine is better (I could do without the cheerleader butt-swings) even though it's apparent that this dancer isn't as advanced technically as the first one. She understands the movement needed for this song. Notice the body rolls and the floorwork. If I could see her face more I would like it better, and if I could see her in costume I would be able to get the whole effect, but overall THIS routine is better than the first. It contains maybe three technical elements (and the leap isn't that great), but focuses more on the meaning and emotionality of the dance.

Now, on to "Fast Car"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHZxjOhW1Eo
I can't tell but it looks like this was done with a stop-motion camera! From what I can tell, the dance does a good job of telling the story, it's not a trick show, but it has technical elements seamlessly blended into the rest of the routine (no "watch me as I run to the back corner of the stage, do a huge tombe, pas de bourre, chase, leap combination because it's the only way I know how to do a leap with any height" element). I think the choreography and her performance lend it to be upbeat for most of the routine, which is something I've never understood about dancing to sad songs (I did a lyrical routine to "Every Breath You Take" by the Police, yes, the stalker song to end all stalker songs, and we were told to smile). Maybe she's trying to pull off the optimistic feeling. All in all though, she DOES manage to capture the mood of the song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_DiglJNnDs
I'm waffling on this one. The first thing I would like to point out is that it is danced by fifteen year olds with their hair piled on top of their heads and ridiculously skimpy tops. "Fast Car" does not mean "Fast Women". Okay, I will grant that it is GOOD choreography. It doesn't really tell the story of the song, which is a shame, but in general it is danced well and has good choreography. Now about these dancers' attitudes. Look at how they walk on and off of the stage and how they work the beginning of the routine. This song is all about hurt and lost chances, it implies some vulnerability. These girls strut around like they're performing with the Pussycat Dolls (who have some pretty neat choreography), they're haughty, strong, sassy. Not quite what I would be doing right before I started a dance like this.

Now I'm sure randomly I will hear from some person who randomly found my blog about "oh yeah, well what would YOU do with it?" So I will tell you.
With Behind the Wall, I see a couple, probably like a fiance relationship, not quite husband and wife yet. The woman in the dance is basically telling him what she heard behind the wall and he's trying to comfort her. It's hard to explain the moves exactly, but the audience would know where the "wall" was without the use of an actual wall. It would be more about sharing the helpless feeling about wanting to help but not being able to.
With Fast Car, I picture more of a slow hip hop (see Tabitha and Napoleon from So You Think You Can Dance). Female solo, more street and into the floor than a "ballet lyrical". Kind of like the second performance for "Behind the Wall". The challenge is to make sure the dancer and choreographer don't get caught up in the upbeat tempo and make this a "happy" dance.
OR with Fast Car you can go down the whole literally acting out the story bit, depicting a woman wanting out of her situation and a man who seems to be the answer to all her problems until he becomes the problems himself. The challenge here would be in not going too literal (I'm sure unless you were joking you would not choreograph the man "driving" around the stage...it's awkward enough in context for "Waiting for Life" in "Once on this Island"). An emotional story can be told without the distraction of gratuitous props or the cheapening effect of melodramatic literal interpretation.

So....

I graduated.
And I got my braces off.
That is all!

This is bordering on insane...

Okay, to my friends reading this, know now that I am incredibly happy for you and know it is the right time.
That being said,
I have 22 friends on facebook who are engaged. 22. And only six of them are both sides of the couple (so I guess to be fair and only count the girls, I have 19 friends on facebook who are engaged). I have around five weddings to attend next summer, one in November, and I think one in September.
I know we're getting to that age where everyone is getting engaged, but I never thought everyone WOULD get engaged!
It is so strange to me that people my age are ready to take that step in their lives. I'm nowhere near ready for that! I have so many things to do! I'm turning 22 in a little over a month, and I cannot imagine having my life set before me so definitely. I mean, I don't even know where I'll be in the next few months, where I'll go to grad school in the following years, where I'll end up after grad school...
This past school year I was very upset because I seemed to be surrounded by relationships, and I hadn't been asked on a single date. Now, I cannot imagine being in a relationship then. I'm not saying that if someone asked me out I would say no, because unless he's just a definite "never in your life" type, I'll probably say yes. But I can really appreciate the fact that my life is a lot less complicated since I don't have yet another tie holding me to a certain place or track.
I mean, imagine that I had been in a relationship, and that we were planning on getting married, I don't know, in late spring of 2009 or so. How could I ask someone to pick up and move with me to whatever state had a school for art therapy and accepted me? And how could someone expect me to give up my dream simply because he couldn't leave his job/family/hometown?
Again the thought struck me that many of my friends have had a relationship for only about a year. Thinking about those timelines, I could meet the man I will marry tomorrow, then be engaged by February, and have my wedding in August (though I wouldn't because I think a couple of my friends are getting married then). I very much doub t that will happen! Thing like this ARE unpredictable. It's just strange thinking about how things change, how people change, how lives change so quickly.
At the beginning of my freshman year in college, a girl in her junior year sat down with me at the cafeteria. We were joking about how "no men seemed to be on the horizon". I ended up going to her church. That February, a guy started showing up at the church with her every Sunday. That November, he landed a helicopter on the quad and asked her to marry him. They were married that June, and have been together just over a year now. Some of these things seem to go so quickly!
I feel much too young to be 22. I think I'll go back to 19 and a half.
I can't believe I graduate on Saturday.

Someone was finally noble on "Scare Tactics"

This is what I've been waiting for!
A man named Bob from Chicago was told he would be on a show called "Dog Catchers", which exposes cheating boyfriends and husbands in the act. Bob watched with the "girlfriend" and tv crew as the boyfriend and a woman went into a relatively isolated commercial building. They went in a few minutes later to hear the man screaming. When they came into the back of the building, a warehouse area, they were confused because they couldn't find the boyfriend. As they looked around, wouldn't you know it, boyfriend came in screaming at girlfriend, saying things like "I told you I would take care of this" and "why can't you leave this alone?" He slammed the door shut, revealing the trashbag-wrapped body of the mistress. As screaming ensued, Bob stood back wondering what to do. Then, the boyfriend grabbed the girlfriend, appearing to be attacking her. Bob shook his head and ran headlong into the guy, and would have beat him senseless had the team run in and dragged him back, quickly explaining to Bob that he was on Scare Tactics. Everyone on the team shook Bob's hand, including the "boyfriend", who commended Bob for caring about the girl. Bob said that he wasn't about to stand by and let some guy hurt a woman especially after he already hurt another one.

Bob, I commend you. I have been watching this show waiting for someone to put their fear aside and take a stand for right and courage. I am not an advocate for violence, but sometimes action has to be taken to protect yourself and others.

Still to come: my Milgram experiment post.

Scare Tactics and Ethics, among other things.

Hidden camera shows are a guilty pleasure of mine. I love seeing how people react to situations. With shows like Candid Camera, these reactions were largely annoyance or disbelief. No harm was intended. But in this cutting edge world, we have developed a more aggressive taste. Hidden camera shows have become more focused on totally manipulating the victim (as some shows call them) into a certain reaction using elaborately set up scenes. I am ashamed to admit it, but I love one of thos shows; a show on the Sci Fi network called Scare Tactics.

http://www.scifi.com/rewind/?sid=35626&eid=273526

On Scare Tactics, people nominate their "friends" to be scared in one of what I have narrowed down to three categories: supernatural, wrong place at the wrong time, and victim-caused scenarios. The categories are rather self explanatory: supernatural may be an alien (the episode I link to has a young woman believing she has just seen the birth of Satan's baby) or bigfoot, etc, wrong place at the wrong time implies a runin with a crazy or homicidal person (one episode had a chimney sweep find the body of the grandmother hanging in the chimney), and victim-caused usually means the victim has been recruited to a show called "Fear Antics" to scare someone else (really a Scare Tactics actor) and some tragedy befalls them (usually a reaction to fear like a heart attack or something of that nature) leaving the actual victim to stand in shocked guilt and dismay at what they have done. At the end of the stunt, one of the actors always says "Are you scared? Well you shouldn't be, because you're on Scare Tactics".

These clips are interesting on a psychological level because they allow us to see a person's reaction in what would be considered unethical for a psychological experiment (try something like that and you'll never get a license anywhere). They put me in mind of Milgram's experiments in the 1950s. Milgram tested obedience by telling participants that they were to give a small electric shock to a second participant behind a partition in increasing severity with every wrongly answered question. In reality there was not another participant and the first participant was listening to a casette recording. You can read more about Milgram's experiments here: http://www.new-life.net/milgram.htm

and an updated version of the milgram experiment can be found here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3498891302995765561

While the Milgram experiments aren't along the same line as Scare Tactics, they do deal with similar emotions. The "Teacher" in the experiment likely feels the same emotions as many of the "wrong place wrong time" situations in Scare Tactics.

Scare Tactics opens up a can of psychological worms. One question that came to mind as I watched these episodes is "Why do we enjoy enducing fear in others?"

I love my best friend dearly. I lived with her for a year and a half in college. For the life of her, though, she could not stop herself from scaring me. She used to hide for up to half an hour waiting for me to come to the dorm just so she could jump out and scare me. My brother got a kick out of jumping out from behind doors at my mom and making her scream. Why do we enjoy this so much? Is it because by manipulating fear in others we ourselves have power over fear? Is it the old middle school child in us creeping out saying "If I put her down, no one will be able to put me down"?

Another question that the show itself seems to ask is "What would you do if placed in an abnormal, frightening situation?" Many people think that they would not be fooled (many of those get the supernatural scenario) or scared, and that they would react in a cool manner. Social psychologists will be the first to tell you that the only way to know what someone will do in a situation is to put them in that situation. That is why training for the armed forces is so psychologically assaulting. They are trying to recreate as best they can the situations a person will face at war. Nursing clinicals are a bit tamer, more realistic example of seeing what someone will do in a situation before they are fully immersed (gotta hand it to the nursing school for really preparing these RNs!). Resident Assistants go through a similar training scenario (but that's top secret).

I would love to say that I would not resort to begging or obey someone in a situation I thought immoral or threatening of my life. I would love to say I would not be fooled if I suddenly saw a dwarfish figure covered in viscus spring from an "alien pod" and down my boss, but who knows what I would do in a given situation?

I don't think that I would be a prime candidate for Scare Tactics, despite my jumpiness. I have been brought up to look around and observe my situation and evaluate whether or not it is a safe place to be in, to always be taking in my surroundings (my room mate, by the way, hid behind the coke machine, which is why I didn't see her). I've also been taught some basic self defense and while many people don't believe me, I know I could do some damage and hopefully get away. I would venture to say that people who are not constantly thinking up their own plausible scenarios and how to get out of them would be better candidates. Growing up, I used to look around and see where I could climb up and run away if someone was chasing me...a habit I haven't grown out of. My dad would not be a prime candidate because he carries a gun on him everywhere he goes.

Which opens up another question: How do they screen their victims? How do they decide whether the victim is a good candidate or not?

What are your thoughts on Scare Tactics? I hate to see people so afraid, but I also find it fascinating to see the way people act in given abnormal situations.

Hmm, this Milgram experiment deserves another post. Look for that in the future.

How Many Kids' Menus?

This past weekend my family and I went to Galveston and had a wonderful time. I hadn't been there in eleven years and really love the atmosphere there. Besides that, though many people complain about the dirty water you can't see through, I don't mind and still love the view.

One night my family and I went to eat at Fish Tales, which is right on Seawall and has a view of the water. I put our name on the list and we all waited together for our little diner thing to vibrate. When we went back up to the hostess, she, looking directly at me, said "how many kids' menus?" Then, seeing the look on my face, she followed up "none?" I think I said something like a very affirmative "NONE" in response.

In Texas (I don't know about the rest of the world) you are too old to recieve a kid's meal when you turn twelve years old. In September I will turn 22 years old. Tell me truly, do I look ten years younger than I am? I was dressed nicely, I didn't have my hair in pigtails or anything like that. However this girl who is likely more than four years younger than I felt it necessary to ask if I needed a kid's meal. This is at the same dinner where a bunch of teenage girls flirted with my brother (who just recently turned 18).

I understand that being short makes me look younger, and on top of that I have a bit of a babyface. I have very petite features and an annoying high pitched voice (really I like how it sounds in my head better than in real life) that someone once described as sounding like a child. I realize the odds are against me. However, it is more important now than it has been before that I look my age. I am looking for a real job, a job where I will interact with people. If I cannot find a way to demand respect from my coworkers immediately off the bat I am afraid I will be walked all over. Many times I let this roll off, but people treat eleven year olds much differently than they treat twenty one year olds. I would rather be treated my age than like a preteen.

EVERYONE who misjudges my age immediately tells me that when I'm forty I will appreciate this, but at 21 this has become more than a nuisance. I cannot stand eighteen year olds treating me like a child.

The problem is I have no idea how to make myself appear my age. I suppose that when I get my braces off it will help, but not by a lot.

Sorry I had to rant, I just hate being told over and over again how young I look and how I'll appreciate it when I'm older. Not hate, but I am tired of it. People in my summer class even thought I was fifteen.

This is probably one of the most recent photos I have of me. Tell me, is that the face of a twelve year old?

Eep...

I just read an article about people who took revenge on their siginificant others after being dumped. Some of these people were dating for five or ten years, had moved in together but not married, and were surprised when the relationship failed. There were phrases like "I got tired of his constant cheating" and "I can't believe I lived with him for five years without realizing what a psycho he was".
Now, I know these relationships aren't the norm, but I find it disheartening nonetheless.
For those of you who don't know, I have NEVER been in a romantic relationship before. I've never been asked out on a date before either. A little over a year ago one guy asked me for my phone number and nothing happened afterwards. I'm sure that my guy is out there somewhere, and when I'm at the right place in my life I'm confident that he will come along. In a way I'm grateful that I don't have a lot of baggage (well, in that area...ergh) to bring into a relationship.
What I have trouble understanding is how someone can live with another person for five or more years with no apparent progress or regress and not stop to think, "Hey, what am I doing here? Where is this going?"
What makes people stay in dead-end relationships? I know I've heard and read that people stay in abusive relationships because the partner facilitates a low self esteem in the abused, promises to change, etc. And the abused usually comes from previous abuse and already has a low self esteem. What about just "there" relationships? Is it just an insensitivity to time?
Reading all these stories and seeing how long these people stuck with really bad relationships makes me worry a bit about when I finally do start dating (or start getting asked out). Will I be able to be objective enough to realize if it's headed south and either needs work or needs to end?

I have some good friends who will honestly tell me what they think, but I'm going to have to remind myself to listen to them! I think if I am ever in a relationship where I find it difficult to ask someone what they think, that should be a red flag in and of itself.

On the other hand, at times I wonder if I put too much stock in what other people think. It must be a fine balance because the only people who know what goes on behind closed doors are the two people in the relationship, and it may be something completely different from what everyone else sees.

I'm sure, however, that I won't have to worry when I meet my folktale-loving, semi-free spirit, artistic, intelligent, sensitive, handy, dependable literature enthusiast, who appreciates my tongue-in-cheek sense of humor.

Random ending for this entry: I just stabbed my tongue on my braces. Orthodontist said in six weeks we will hopefully take impressions for a retainer, which means that they might come off in the next 7-9 weeks! 10 and a half years of braces and it may be over soon. I'm planning the party now: roasted corn on the cob, caramel apples, chewing gum, all sorts of nuts and seeds, popcorn galore, broccoli, sandwiches, and all sorts of sticky, crunchy, hard-to-chew foods. Then I will floss without it taking an hour, brush my teeth with a brand-new toothbrush that will not be ruined immediately after the first use, and go to sleep not worrying that I've missed a spot and will have a hole eaten into one of my hard-to-reach teeth. It will be a beautiful day. A day of glory. A day of deliciousness. Assuming this day happens. I think my orthodontist just wants me to be around forever. I wonder if he would take my braces off earlier if I promise to keep visiting every three weeks just to shoot the breeze.

Rumspringa

I recently watched a national geographics special called "The Devil's Playground". It is about Rumspringa, an Amish tradition that allows children ages 16 and up to have general freedom while still living in their family's home. They dress "English", own cars, have parties, etc. Some of these children (the ones featured in the documentary) go completely off the deep end and get into trouble with drugs, drinking, etc. But in the end, 80-90 % of these children end up ending their Rumspringa by being baptized into the Amish church.
While I don't always agree with the Amish (they're very anti-evangelism and their refusal to integrate electricity into their lives is admirable, though their reasoning -- not allowing physical connections to the outside world -- seems strange to me, why not be upset about roads if that is the case?), I have to say I really like this idea of Rumspringa. These children have been brought up with the ideals of the Amish church. They KNOW their stuff. Then, in order to give them an informed consent on what they would be missing if they stayed with their community, they are allowed to "run around" (the literal translation of Rumspringa). They get to decide for themselves, and the rate of people who stay with the church is a testament to the fact that Rumspringa works.
So why are we so afraid to do this in other protestant faiths? Many people leave the church in late adolescence only to return later. Some leave saying that their religion was forced upon them, that their faith never truly was theirs. Someone once told me that if I was brought up in a Muslim community I would still be a Muslim, not a Christian. But here's the thing about my family. We were never forced to be Christians. Yes, I went to a Christian school, but I chose whether I went to church. My parents allowed me to believe whatever doctrine I wanted (and still do, we have very different doctrinal views in some areas). I was free to explore different doctrines, and while my new discoveries were sometimes the object of arguments (I tended to be a bid firey about these things and confrontational about it), my family NEVER forced any ideals on me. So I think that I have had a very fair chance at deciding that what I believed was MY choice.
Rumspringa seems to be the Amish equivalent of letting children choose what they believe. I wish there was a way to do this in the "real world" but I don't see how. I think that people who are allowed to choose their faith are more likely to stay with it than those raised in a certain religion. Proverbs says we should train our children in the way they should go, but it does not say we should force them into that way.

Blearrrgh!

^^ That is how I feel right now. I hope I get that surgery on my sinuses soon, because it is impossible for me to keep up at this rate. I've found that I will sleep nine or more hours a night, wake up sometime in the afternoon, and still be exhausted all day long. I'm dizzy, drowsy, and post nasal drip gives me stomach aches. I sit on my bed unless I have something else I have to do (like class or work) and watch tv and doze. I am of no use to anyone and I am so frustrated at having an active mind but fatigued body.

For those of you who do not know, I get a really bad sinus infection at around February every year, and this has happened since I can remember. It does not go away until maybe the end of summer, no matter what antibiotics I go on. I miss more school in my spring semesters than in fall, and do somewhat poorly in those classes. A doctor finally referred me to an ENT and I am supposed to have sinus surgery.

Why has this whole mess taken so long?
Well, honestly it's partially my fault.
I saw an ENT in Temple while I was at school in March. He ran a CT scan and realized that I had all these things wrong with my sinuses that it was ridiculous. He wanted to go ahead and schedule a pretty in-depth surgery (not just a balloon sinuplasty, but correction for a deviated septum and something involving removing bone...yeah) but one of my teachers (whom I love and is awesome) along with my parents suggested I wait until I have time to recover.
So, Mom found an ENT in Dallas and told me to send over the records...which I forgot to do. So, we had to send the release form on the day of my appointment in Dallas.
They got the report but not the CD of my CT scan. That was in May. We called back and forth a few times, and finally yesterday the ENT in Temple called me and said that they would send the release to Radiology and they would send the CT in to Dallas. They said if Dallas didn't get it in a FEW WEEKS to call them. Could they be more vague? Then we get to go back in to the ENT and evaluate the CT scan with him, schedule a surgery (which will take awhile) and only then will I achieve the happiness that is an absence of sinus congestion.
Sigh. I want this to happen NOW so I can have some energy again! I've threatened (with decreasing jocularity, mind you) to use a pipe cleaner and do the surgery myself if I could only get some relief!